The Emotions Created By The Outside In Misunderstanding From Chapter 5

In this chapter, we took a deeper look into the various emotions created by the Outside In Misunderstanding. Each is followed by insights from the Inside Out perspective that can help free you from creating them. It’s worth mentioning that the labels we give to the emotions generated by the Outside In Misunderstanding, all point to the same feeling, which is the feeling we feel when we fear and therefore resist reality.

Unhappiness (Sorrow)

When we believe that we, people, and situations have to behave a certain way before we can let ourselves be happy, we are quite literally making ourselves unhappy with reality (our life) until or unless it meets those self-imposed conditions. This, in turn, causes us to desire that reality conforms to our opinions of how it should be and keeps us fearful and unhappy that it won't.

Insight: It is only wanting ourselves, people, and events to be other than they are, and so resisting reality, that causes unhappiness, not the reality itself. If you truly understand this, reality will never appear to cause unhappiness.

Fear

We fear reality did not, is not, will not behave the way we want it to, and will make us unhappy. In effect, we fear being unhappy with reality.

Insight: Realize that happiness or contentment is always everyone’s default condition and is not dependent on the behavior of people or events (reality) unless we mistakenly think it is.

Blame (Disappointment)

When people (including ourselves) or events behave in ways we don’t want them to, we believe we can’t be happy until or unless they behave in a certain way. Therefore, we think the behavior of people or events is to blame for our unhappiness.

Insight: Realize that happiness is always the default human condition and is not dependent on the behavior of people and events (reality). So-called negative feelings only ever come from our thinking in the moment, not from other people and events.

Impatience (Boredom or Frustration)

This is also the result of wanting the present situation to be different from what it is. Wanting the present to be different and so resisting it makes us unhappy, but we blame the present situation for our unhappiness. So, we want a future (change) that we can accept and be happy with to come more quickly and relieve our unhappiness.

Insight: Realize that by accepting or welcoming the present (what is) and not wanting it to be other than it is, you drop into the natural default state of happiness and stop blocking your happiness. This is the meaning behind the Eastern saying, ‘All is best.'

Jealousy (Envy)

We fear someone else has, will get, or is getting something that we think is necessary for our happiness. Perhaps someone seems to be able to control life and events better than we are, and so they appear to experience happiness more often than us. We want their happiness. They remind us of what we do not have. So not only might we envy them, but we may even resent, dislike, or blame them for the unhappiness we feel (see ‘blame’ above and ‘hate’ below).

Insight: Realize that happiness is always the default human condition and is not dependent on what we or others do or don’t have, can or can’t do.

Greed

When a person gets what they want, it allows them to return to their natural state temporarily, until more or something else is desired. This results in a never-ending quest for more, to try and satiate a desire that can’t be satisfied. In Chinese tradition, this is sometimes called the hungry ghost, referring to a ghost trying to eat normal food, but the ghost is never satisfied because the food passes right through them.

Insight: Happiness, contentment, and fulfillment are your natural default states and don’t require anything external to be experienced. The person who sees this no longer needs to accumulate power, possessions, or anything else in order to feel good.

Shyness (Imposter Syndrome)

This is very close to anxiety in nature and occurs because we are nervous that the image, we want to project to the world might not be believed and fear that we will be shown up, and humiliated (see ‘Humiliation’ below). Note well: you may be very good at a particular skill or profession but the self-image or persona you are trying to present to others may be false and therefore you feel like an imposter.

Insight: Realize that happiness is always the default condition and is not dependent on impressing other people or getting them to see you in a certain way.

Humiliation (Shame)

This is something most people fear and is experienced when we, people, or events, act in a way that contradicts the flattering self-images and labels we have identified with and want other people to believe. When these labels have been shown up to be false, it feels like we have been caught out in a lie and desperately want things to be different. The sickening unhappiness of humiliation is often very quickly followed by anger being directed at the perceived ‘cause’ of the humiliation, be it ourselves, a situation, or other people (see ‘blame’ above).

When we have been discovered doing something that contradicts a ‘virtuous’ label, we might also call this shame. This is quickly followed by regret (see ‘Regret’, and ‘Forgiveness’ listed below).

Insight: Realize that happiness is always your default condition and is not dependent on what other people think of you, so it is not affected by life either proving or contradicting flattering labels.

Anger (Irritation)

Anger arises when we blame a person (including ourselves) or an event for the unhappiness we feel when they have not behaved, are behaving, or are threatening to behave in a way we don’t want them to. We want to be able to accept their behavior so that we can return to our default state of happiness. Because we fear people and events will not behave as we want, anger is preceded by fear and a desire to force or manipulate compliance. (See ‘Fear’ above).

In extreme cases, this results in hate being directed towards a situation or a person (including ourselves) that has behaved, is behaving or is threatening to behave, in a way that we do not want them to, as it is threatening to prevent our happiness. (See ‘Hate’ below.)

Insight: Realize that happiness is always the default condition and is not dependent on whether people (including ourselves) or events behave a certain way or not. The person who truly sees this is fearless.

Hate, Resentment, Bitterness

These are emotions often felt towards people (including ourselves), events, or objects we blame for ‘causing’ our unhappiness or ‘preventing’ our happiness. We can sometimes find ourselves irritated by or disliking someone or something (not accepting them) because they are exhibiting traits that we don’t accept. Because we don’t accept these traits in someone or something, we feel unhappy (with them) and blame them for the discomfort we feel. (See ‘Forgiveness’ below).

Insight: Realize that happiness is always the default condition and is not dependent on the appearance, qualities, or behavior of people or events.

Desire for Revenge

We may hold a grudge or be unforgiving about a past event that didn’t turn out the way we wanted (so we could be happy with it). This is especially true if we are currently experiencing consequences we do not want to accept and are therefore unhappy with. The past itself cannot be changed, but that doesn’t stop a person from wanting it not to have happened. This inability to accept can be the source of a nagging, ongoing sense of unhappiness. So, a person sees the person responsible for the past event as the cause of their pain (see blame) and wants to hurt or punish them, believing this will make them feel better. The craziness of this can best be seen when people try to punish themselves for something they wish they hadn’t done.

Insight: Realize that happiness is always the default human condition and is not dependent on what people did or did not do in the past.

Regret

This is felt when we have done something we wish we hadn’t or when we didn’t do something we wish we had (if only I hadn’t done that, then I could be happy). We want the past to be different so that we can be happy with it, but we can’t change it, and the unhappiness persists until we set ourselves free. This can only be done by letting go of the desire for the past to be different and accepting it unconditionally. Sometimes we might find a way of ‘righting’ the perceived wrong in some way or seeing it differently and thus allowing ourselves to accept it. (See ‘Forgiveness’ below).

Insight: Realize that happiness is always the default human condition and is not dependent on what you did or did not do in the past.

Remorse

We blame ourselves for the unhappiness we have ‘caused’ or are ‘causing’ others and want things to be different.

If people don’t know we are responsible for ‘causing’ their unhappiness, we may also fear (see ‘Fear’ above) being found out because it might affect the way people see or treat us. So, we want things to be different (see ‘Forgiveness’ below).

Insight: Realize that happiness is everyone’s default condition and is not dependent on and cannot be taken away by, what you did or did not do and whatever people may think or do about it.

Guilt

Similar to shame in that it occurs as a result of us doing something we think we shouldn’t have. It often comes with a fear of being found out and punished, which we also fear might affect the way people perceive us and behave towards us. So, we want things to be different (see ‘Forgiveness’ below).

Insight: Realize that happiness is everyone’s default condition and is not conditional on whether we keep society’s rules or whether people think well of us. Again, remember that happiness is everyone’s default condition and is not dependent on and cannot be taken away by what you did or did not do and whatever people may think or do about it.

Forgiveness (Letting Go)

This is the term used when someone stops blaming themselves or another person for an action that has ‘caused’ unhappiness or discontent. This can only be done by the person letting go of being unhappy (forgiving) what has happened unconditionally. In doing so they release themselves from the pain (unhappiness) they have been causing themselves by thinking someone needs to suffer for what they’ve done before they can be happy and move on.

It can be useful to remember that when people act from the perspective of the artificial labeled separate self ‘they know not what they do’. Understanding this allows us to have compassion for them. As they are quite literally in a dream, making the best choices they are aware of, in an effort to achieve happiness or avoid unhappiness.

Insight: Realize that happiness is always your default condition and is not dependent on what other people do or don’t do or whether people get punished for their behavior or not.

Depression

This is often the result of a person’s constant failure to achieve the unreasonable demand and expectation that everybody and everything should do exactly as they want. So that they can let themselves be happy with the world and everyone in it. It can also lead to people directing blame or anger at everyone and everything (including themselves). For not doing and being exactly as they want and ‘causing’ themselves to be unhappy. (See ‘Blame’ above).

Insight: Realize that happiness is always your default condition and is not dependent on your ability to control people and events.

Anxiety, Worry, Insecurity

When we are trying to get everything and everybody to do exactly what we want, because we believe it's the only way that we can be happy or avoid unhappiness, we can be forgiven for being worried, anxious, or insecure about the future.

We fear people and events will not behave the way we want them to and so prevent us from being happy (see ‘Fear’ above). Fear often precedes anger (see ‘Anger’ above).

Insight: Realize that happiness is always your default condition and cannot be affected by the outcome of events. In short, events in the future cannot make you unhappy.

Anxiety, Panic, and the fight or flight response:

Because most people are trying to constantly control everything and everyone in their lives at one level or another (which is utterly impossible), most of the time they are experiencing either irritating general anxiety or outright fear that reality will not comply with their demands. Nature has equipped us with certain natural responses to threats in our environment, but when everything is a potential threat to a person’s peace of mind, it results in an almost constant state of alertness or stress. Being in this state for prolonged periods can lead to health-damaging stress, exhaustion, or depression. It also tends to cause people to view life in a very black-and-white way as everything is either acceptable or it’s not.

Again, this only occurs because people believe their happiness depends on people and events behaving the way they want them to. Letting go of this idea can allow every day to be a sunny day.

Insight: Realize that happiness is always your default condition and cannot be affected by people and events unless you think it can.

Whilst True Love will be explored in the next chapter, false love or what people often call ‘romantic love’ goes something like the following:

A person is looking for a special someone who ticks all the boxes for the qualities they ‘want’ in a ‘perfect’ mate. When someone comes along who seems to fulfil most or all of these requirements, at some point, they make a leap of faith and accept that person unconditionally. Love at first sight is instant, unconditional acceptance. The person or object of the unconditional acceptance did not give the admirer this feeling of love; it was the admirer’s own unconditional acceptance (cessation of wanting the person and their behavior to be different). This is not seen, however, and so a person then proceeds to do all they can to keep this person around so that they can continue to accept them unconditionally and enjoy the happiness of unconditional acceptance (not wanting this person to be different). They may even ignore (turn a blind eye to) the other person’s behavior as they continue to chase or cling to the happy feeling they experienced when they first ‘fell in love’ with this person.

However, it is not unusual for false love to quickly turn to hate or resentment (See ‘Hate’ above) because false love is conditional upon the ‘loved’ person continuing to be acceptable by being and behaving in a way the lover finds acceptable and is happy with. A similar type of thing can happen in most human relationships when one person stops conforming to the ideals of another. Whether it be a parent, a child, or the best of friends,

As always, please keep in mind that false love and all the other emotions and ways of behaving listed in this chapter are only ‘logical’ from the perspective of an artificial, labeled self that believes its happiness is conditional on people and events (reality) agreeing with it. (See Chapter 7 in the book (Wellbeing Unleashed) for more information about this).

'Appendix I' in the book contains an exercise that will aid you in applying the information and insights above to your own life. You can also access it here by going to the following link 'Appendix I'